i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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