1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
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