hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
