i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
