Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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