You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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