Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
