guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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