thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
