I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
