I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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