yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
