We won't sleep together?
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
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