Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
