If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
