i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
the condom got lost in my hair
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
