Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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