I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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