You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
