i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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