gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
