She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
