She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
