3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
