Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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