I smell stomach acid.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
