she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
