so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
you never un-have a 4some
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
