Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
