So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
