You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
