Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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