We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
