yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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