idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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