I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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