So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
