My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
