I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
