Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
