On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
