I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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