you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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