Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
