Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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