I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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