the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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