What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I'm always down for nudity.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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