Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
