dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
