i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
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