At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
