I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
did you just send me my own nude
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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