There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
