somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
