my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
