this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
