i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
