I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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